Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

[BMAONE23]

Keep it clean though

[BMAONE23]

Did you hear about the Pshchiatrist who invented the thirteen step process to cure Triskaidekaphobia?

[makc]

At one point they sawed Lao Zi in half. And there were two of Lao Zi.

[The Code]

If There is such a thing as reincarnation, Knowing my luck I will come back as myself.

[BMAONE23]

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here" and throws him out.

Thinking, the string tousels his hair, tucks his head under his arm, and goes back in to order his drink.

The bartender says "Hey... aren't you that string I threw out a couple f minutes ago?"

To which the string replys
"No, I'm a frayed knot"

[BMAONE23]

A Russian arrives in New York
City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the
first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American
for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free
medical care, and a free education!"



The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am
a Mexican."



The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for
having such a beautiful country here in America ."



The person says, "I not American, I am
Vietnamese."



The new arrival walks farther, and the
next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for
wonderful America !



That person puts up his hand and says, "I
am from Middle East . I am not
American."



He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are
you an American?"



She says, "No, I am
from Africa ."



Puzzled, he asks her, "Where
are all the Americans?"



The African lady checks her watch and
says, "Probably at work."

[makc]

ha ha ^^ that's probably as close to racist joke as it can get without getting a warning.

[neufer]

ha ha ^^ that's probably as close to racist joke as it can get without getting a warning.

Klaatu barada nikto!

[Orca]

So a neutrino is sitting at the bar, drinking heavily.

"Another wiskey!" shouts the neutrino.

"Don't you think you've had enough?" asks the bar keep.

"Nah, they just go right through me!"




ba dum tss

[neufer]

A neutrino is sitting at the bar?

That is just so wrong in so many ways!!!

[Orca]

A neutrino is sitting at the bar?

That is just so wrong in so many ways!!!

That and he's ordering whiskey. OY VEY

[makc]

Klaatu barada nikto

I bet this was one-time password.

[bystander]

ha ha ^^ that's probably as close to racist joke as it can get without getting a warning.

Actually, I think that was a warning.

[makc]

Actually, I think that was a warning.

See what you did - now noone posts anything.

[Orca]

Actually, I think that was a warning.

See what you did - now noone posts anything.

...then there's the one about the three-legged dog that went into the saloon and shouted, "who's the dirty rat that shot my Pa?"

[BMAONE23]

Mike walks into the bar and says to Charlie the Bar Tender,
"Pour Me a stiff one - I just had another fight with the Little Woman."
"Oh Yeah?" said Charlie, "And How did this one end"
"When it was over," replied Mike, "She came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really" said Charlie, "That's a switch! What did she say?"
"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you little chichen!' "

[owlice]

(heard on Prairie Home Companion)

A Bb, Db, and F walk into the bar; the bartender refuses to serve them, saying, "You know we don't serve minors here!"

The Db leaves, so the Bb and F have a fifth between 'em.

[neufer]

(heard on Prairie Home Companion)

A B♭, D♭, and F walk into the bar; the bartender refuses to serve them, saying, "You know we don't serve minors here!"

The D♭ leaves, so the B♭ and F have a fifth between 'em.

It's just as well D♭ clef'd that bar...he might have caught a staff infection.

[rstevenson]

Note: [ he says, taking a measured breath ] Before we beat this one to death, we might think about raising the bar just a little. We wouldn't want the conductor's of this pit speaking sharply to us.

Rob

[BMAONE23]

(heard on Prairie Home Companion)

A Bb, Db, and F walk into the bar; the bartender refuses to serve them, saying, "You know we don't serve minors here!"

The Db leaves, so the Bb and F have a fifth between 'em.

I like this one...it has a certain melodious ring to it

[Wayne]

Sodium is sat at the bar by the harbour. He says to his friend "I'm sure I've lost Chlorine". His friend replies "Are you sure, old salt?" Sodium replies "I'm positive".

You never have clear skies on a moonless night as there is not enough lunar radiation to clear the clouds. In a city, street lights perform the job. Just ask anyone who's driven 100 miles to a dark site, set up his telescope and waited.

[BMAONE23]

“Governmentium” To be added to the Periodic Table Of Elements

Scientific breakthrough! Researchers have identified a new element: GOVERNMENTIUM – which should be added to the Periodic Table of the Elements sometime within the next few months. The following was extracted directly from a press release regarding the recent discovery of the element “Governmentium”:

“Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.”

[neufer]

Governmentium has no electrons...

Governmentium holds electrons every two years resulting in its short half-life.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

I thought that most isotopes of Governmentium decayed into Lobbyiestum.

[BMAONE23]

Governmentium has no electrons...

Governmentium holds electrons every two years resulting in its short half-life.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

I thought that most isotopes of Governmentium decayed into Lobbyiestum.

I believe that Lobbyiestum acually contains less Morons and has more monetary gravitational influence than the avreage Americum
(though, being a Radio isotope, Americum can be quite explosive if formed in Large Dense Groups)

[makc]

Governmentium has no electrons...

Governmentium holds electrons every two years...

I'm pretty sure those are all virtual electrons.