Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

[Beyond]

I arrived, i saw, i left. Was i right? bad, very bad.

[Beyond]

One day as their orbits brought them close together, Venus yelled over to Mercury, hey Mercury, you want to go ride the rings of Saturn? It's only a quarter a ride. Alas, Mercury replied. I've only got a dime.

[BMAONE23]

If you have 3 apples and you eat one, How many apples do you have left?

3...2 in your hands and 1 in your stomach

[Chris Peterson]

If you have 3 apples and you eat one, How many apples do you have left?

3...2 in your hands and 1 in your stomach

Well... that depends on how long you wait, doesn't it?

[egalaxy]

yes. because if you wait too long, the other apples might rot, and you would have to throw them out. leaving you with none.

[wonderboy]

A man walks into the doctor and points out various parts of his body.

It hurts here

Here

Here

Here

And here


Ah... You have a broken finger, said the Doctor!!! ( BADOOM tish)

Owzat!?

[gal-dax-y]

A couple had a baby boy that had no body, no arms, no legs -- only the skull, brain, head and face (all parts above the neck).

When his son turned 21, dad took him to a bar to buy him a birthday drink.

The kid had one sip of booze and BLAM! he grew a body.
Another sip and BLAM!! he had arms.
Another sip and BLAM! he had legs.

At this point he was so ecstatic he ran out of the bar on his new legs, into the street and BLAM! gets hit by a bus and is killed instantly.

The father and other bar patrons sit in shocked silence, dumbstruck.

But the bartender, not missing a beat, shrugs his shoulders and says: "He should've quit while he was a head."

[gal-dax-y]

But Art, the spoiler button eliminates the anticipation that developes when taking the l-o-n-g scrolling journey

Except... most people have fairly large screens now. Mine, which is not all that large, shows me your joke post and the two below it without scrolling. So no anticipation for me, just setup and punchline, pretty much all at once.

Rob

Cue for longer blank space there or?

ART --
The guy with no arms and no legs who's hanging on your wall... Who is he when at your door? MATT... In your pool?...BOB ...And at the bottom of your hot tub?... DWAYNE

[mike_sharkey]

Ah-hah! no-arm/no-leg jokes. The sick jokes that are (mostly) acceptable) at Boy Scout campfires!

The two guys with no arms/no legs in front of your window? Curt and Rod

The guy with no arms/no legs next to a hole in the ground? Doug

The guy with no arm/no legs in the hole? Phil

The girl with no arms/only one leg? Eileen

The girl with no arms/no legs in the camping tent? Peg

The guy with no arms/no legs in the campfire? Bernie

The guy with no arms/ no legs hiding in the pile of leaves? Russel

The guy with no arms/no legs sitting in a cup of coffee? Duncan

What do you call the guy with no arms/no legs that won the mega lottery? Rich

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him, he won't come anyway...

[charlieo3]

An infrared wavelength goes into a bar and asks, "Is is warm in here, or is it just me?"

[geckzilla]

Kind of amusing. (Big image is at the link)
http://rationalcrank.blogspot.com/2010/ ... e-has.html

[neufer]

Kind of amusing. (Big image is at the link)
http://rationalcrank.blogspot.com/2010/ ... e-has.html

<<The Last Supper measures 15 feet × 29 ft and covers an end wall of the dining hall at the monastery of Santa Maria delle Grazie in Milan, Italy. The theme was a traditional one for refectories. [A refectory (also frater, frater house, fratery) is a dining room, especially in monasteries, boarding schools, and academic institutions. One of the places the term is most often used today is in graduate seminaries.] Judas Iscariot [i.e., Isaac Newton] is looking rather withdrawn and taken aback by the sudden revelation of Einstein's theory of relativity. He is clutching a small apple, perhaps getting ready to throw it at Einstein.>>

[Beyond]

He is clutching a small apple...

Geez, Neuf, you've got worse eyesight then i have. The apple is in front of his hand.(via magnifying glass) He may be thinking of grabbing it and throwing it, but he also may be thinking about eating it instead. Ah, decisions, decisions.

[geckzilla]

If you look at this one you might not need a magnifying glass:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3aI_TQ2imrY/S ... ttened.jpg

[neufer]

[Newton] is clutching a small apple...

Geez, Neuf, you've got worse eyesight then i have. The apple is in front of his hand.(via magnifying glass) He may be thinking of grabbing it and throwing it, but he also may be thinking about eating it instead. Ah, decisions, decisions.

[Neufer] is clutching a large tomato, perhaps getting ready to throw it...

[Ann]

Okay, please help me identify the disciples of Einstein!

On the far left is Galileo Galilei. Then we have Marie Curie. Number three, I don't know. Then of course we have Isaac "Iscariot" Newton, and then someone I don't recognize. Could it be Rutherford? If so, why not Niels Bohr? Then we have, of course, Stephen Hawking. Carl Sagan is toasting Einstein. The next one I don't recognize. Could the guy in the toga be Ptolemy? Then we have a guy that I do recognize, but I don't remember his name, although it could be "DeGrasse" or something. The guy taking a group picture is again someone I don't recognize. Finally, of course, we have Charles Darwin, who might be wondering at his inclusion in this illustrious company of astronomers and cosmologists - although the company also includes at least one chemist and possibly one particle physicist.

Ann

[owlice]

Ann, if you follow the link in geckzilla's initial post about the image, you'll be able to read who is in the image and why each was selected.

[Ann]

Thanks, owlice. So the ones I didn't recognize were Oppenheimer, Louis Pasteur, Edison, Aristotle and Richard Dawkins.

Geckzilla, I love the picture of Spock Elvis! Maybe he could have been included, if he - that is, Spock - wasn't made of science fiction rather than fact. Spock's "superpower" is logic, and Aristotle was included for inventing it!

Ann

[Beyond]

If you look at this one you might not need a magnifying glass:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3aI_TQ2imrY/S ... ttened.jpg

WHOA!! With my 2-foot screen set at 150% magnification, my screen is heap plenty full! Which also verifies that no apples (or tomatos) are being clenched. Unless neufer is hiding behind some one with a tomato, getting ready to throw it at me, and blame it on Stephen Hawking.ha-ha-ha

[BMAONE23]

Why is the Stoic man with the Grim look laughing on the inside?

Inside Joke

[neufer]

Why is the Stoic man with the Grim look laughing on the inside?

BMAONE = BA(d) OMEN

<<The Grim is an omen of death, which is reputed to bring about the demise of the person who encounters it. The Grim takes the shape of a large, black, spectral dog. Perhaps the most well-known of omens, the Grim has earned infamy throughout the wizarding world and is considered to be one of the worst, if not the worst, omens around.>>

[Beyond]

In Harry Potter, the Grim is an omen of death? I wand-der why??

[mike_sharkey2010]

And a few of the old favorite cannibal jokes....

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?... badum-dum tsshh

Did you hear about the cannibal student that was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?...

Did you hear about the starving cannibal that went to the soup kitchen for a hand out?....

Did you hear about the cannibal that ate a vegetarian and decided to turn over a new leaf?...

Two cannibals talking after a meal. ''Your wife certainly makes a fine soup.'' ''Yes, but I'm still going to miss her.''

Did you hear about the cannibal policeman that was always grilling the suspects?...

Three explorers have been captured by cannibals. They are told that after they are eaten, their pale skin will make the best covering for the ceremonial canoe which has been in bad repair. To thank the explorers in advance for this 'gift', each is allowed one request.
The first explorer asks that he be killed painlessly with the sleeping poison the cannibals carry. They grant his request.
The second explorer asks for ink and paper so he can write a farewell letter to his wife and family. A runner is sent to fetch the implements, and is back in short order. He writes a long letter, and bravely faces his fate.
The third explorer asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but fetch him a fork. Once he has it, he begins stabbing himself violently, screaming out ''To Hell With Your Canoe!!''

Did you hear about the cannibal king who almost starved because his subjects were revolting?...

Did you hear about the missionary that went into cannibal country to give them their first taste of christianity?...

Did you hear about the cannibal queen who exclaimed ''Let them eat Mr Cake!''

[Beyond]

This joke is imported from a 'live wire' in Turkey.

Two atoms were walking down the street one day, when one of them
exclaimed, "Oh no - I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" the other
one asked. "Yes," replied the first one, "I'm positive."

[Moonlady]

Go beat him APOD Robot! You are smarter than it!


http://cleverbot.com/