Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

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neufer
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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by neufer » Sat Mar 20, 2010 3:12 pm

makc wrote:
neufer wrote:
BMAONE23 wrote:Governmentium has no electrons...
Governmentium holds electrons every two years...
I'm pretty sure those are all virtual electrons.
"Heat and cold have a virtual transition, without communication of substance." - Francis Bacon.

Virtual, a. [Cf. F. virtuel. See Virtue.] Having the power of acting
or of invisible efficacy without the agency of the material or sensible part.
Art Neuendorffer

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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by makc » Sat Mar 20, 2010 5:24 pm

(adj) virtual (existing in essence or effect though not in actual fact) "a virtual dependence on charity"; "a virtual revolution"; "virtual reality"
(http://wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn?s=virtual)

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BMAONE23
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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by BMAONE23 » Sat Mar 20, 2010 6:03 pm

neufer wrote: "Heat and cold have a virtual transition, without communication of substance." - Francis Bacon.

Virtual, a. [Cf. F. virtuel. See Virtue.] Having the power of acting
or of invisible efficacy without the agency of the material or sensible part.
So if the reaction between heat and cold were habitually repeated,
would it be a case for Virtual Substance Abuse?

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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by BMAONE23 » Sat Mar 20, 2010 6:06 pm

Childbirth at 75


With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 75-year-old friend of my mom was able to give birth.. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, We went to visit.

'May We see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet ,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May We see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May We see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my moms friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can We see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told us.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do We have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

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BMAONE23
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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by BMAONE23 » Mon Mar 22, 2010 4:56 am

How many astronomers does it take to screw in a light bulb

It's very difficult to pin down a precise number. First, a heated discussion ensues as to whether the object in question can, strictly speaking, be defined as a "light bulb" since it no longer emits light, thereby throwing into question the entire notion of changing it. The IAU is alerted, which, after lengthy discussion, concludes that the best course of action is to create a new category of objects: "darkened light bulb". This announcement is met with great celebration by the astronomers, who then begin work on changing the bulb, only to find out that the janitor took care of it six months ago.

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neufer
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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by neufer » Mon Mar 22, 2010 6:14 am

Question: What do you get if you cross an Elephant with a Rhinoceros?
Elephino?
Art Neuendorffer

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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by wonderboy » Tue Mar 23, 2010 11:35 am

Why are there no bars on the moon?




Because theres no atmosphere! (rubbish I know :P)
"I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark" Muhammad Ali, faster than the speed of light?

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BMAONE23
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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by BMAONE23 » Tue Mar 23, 2010 5:12 pm

Could also be posed:
Why are there no Popular bars on the moon?
Because they have no atmosphere!!

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neufer
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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by neufer » Tue Mar 23, 2010 5:46 pm

BMAONE23 wrote:Could also be posed:
Why are there no Popular bars on the moon?
Because they have no atmosphere!!
Image
http://www.tekcycling.com/index.php?cPath=4_7_12

View of Petronas Twin Towers from the Luna Bar, Kuala Lumpur:
Image
Art Neuendorffer

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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by Orca » Tue Mar 23, 2010 6:28 pm

No bars on the moon? Do you know how hard it is to put together a decent pan galactic gargle blaster on the moon? :mrgreen:

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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by BMAONE23 » Tue Mar 23, 2010 7:12 pm

I would imagine that since gravity is 1/6, the effervescence of the soda causes significant heading and quicker subsequent flattening of the beverage so drink up while they still bubble

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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by Orca » Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:56 am

BMAONE23 wrote:I would imagine that since gravity is 1/6, the effervescence of the soda causes significant heading and quicker subsequent flattening of the beverage so drink up while they still bubble
Also, a gold brick with a lemon twisted around it won't have as much effect dropping on your face in 1/6th gravity.

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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by wonderboy » Fri Mar 26, 2010 10:06 am

I would like to apologise for my post that has now been removed by bystander. I never meant to cause offence. sorry guys.
"I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark" Muhammad Ali, faster than the speed of light?

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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by BMAONE23 » Sat Mar 27, 2010 3:47 pm

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years . . . Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates . . .

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat yawned, stretched her paws out as wide as she could, purred contentedly and replied: 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by wonderboy » Tue Mar 30, 2010 9:30 am

A man walks into a bar.....

He needed 5 stitches :lol: HAR DE HAR :P
"I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark" Muhammad Ali, faster than the speed of light?

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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by BMAONE23 » Wed Apr 28, 2010 2:55 am

Great news - Dracula has been killed at last! He was walking down the street during the early hours of the morning, when suddenly he was hit on the head by a pork pie and fell to his knees. As he struggled on he continued to be pelted with Scotch eggs, little slices of quichey stuff, chicken drumsticks, orange juice and so on until he finally died.

She'd got him at last, good old Buffet the Vampire Slayer

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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by makc » Wed Apr 28, 2010 6:09 pm

wow that was really bad

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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by owlice » Wed Apr 28, 2010 7:34 pm

I liked it!
A closed mouth gathers no foot.

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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by BMAONE23 » Thu Apr 29, 2010 4:10 am

What do you give the man who has everything?


























Antibiotics.

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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by makc » Thu Apr 29, 2010 7:56 am

I'm watching House MD, so it makes sense to me :(

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rstevenson
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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by rstevenson » Thu Apr 29, 2010 5:43 pm

Overheard: a recently divorced (for the third time) man says, "I'm not going to get married again. I'm just going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house."

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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by owlice » Sun May 15, 2011 8:35 am

Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization...

Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the top of
the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at the
bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within one-tenth
of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your
civilization until entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!
A closed mouth gathers no foot.

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bystander
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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by bystander » Sun May 15, 2011 2:50 pm

:lol: That's probably right, intergalactic chain mail. :roll:
Know the quiet place within your heart and touch the rainbow of possibility; be
alive to the gentle breeze of communication, and please stop being such a jerk.
— Garrison Keillor

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BMAONE23
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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by BMAONE23 » Mon May 16, 2011 6:04 am

too funny Owlice :D :D

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Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by Star*Hopper » Tue May 17, 2011 11:45 am

BMAONE23 wrote:Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
I thought that most isotopes of Governmentium decayed into Lobbyiestum.I believe that Lobbyiestum acually contains less Morons and has more monetary gravitational influence than the avreage Americum
(though, being a Radio isotope, Americum can be quite explosive if formed in Large Dense Groups)

I think there was an inadvertant omission which further explains about expelled particles;

"Relative particles which are expelled from the critical morass for whatever reasons generally remain at large and are known as Headupassiums. They for the most part are thereafter attracted only to isolated smaller local forms of Governmentium or federal prisons. Scientists have yet to fully understand this connection -- research continues."
"Perhaps I'll never touch a star, but at least let me reach." ~J Faircloth

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