Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Off topic discourse and banter encouraged.
User avatar
geckzilla
Ocular Digitator
Posts: 9034
Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2007 12:42 pm
Location: Modesto, CA

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by geckzilla » Fri Sep 05, 2014 2:14 am

Nitpicker wrote:
THX1138 wrote:A married couple have a baby boy that's born with no body at all, just a head and a neck but it's their child and so they love and raise him. Now when the head turns twenty one his dad takes him to a bar to get his first drink so he sets the head down on a bar stool next to him and pours a drink into his mouth and poof, a body pops out of the neck. Everybody at the bar is quite surprised at what they have just seen, obviously. then dad pours another drink into his mouth and poof, arms pop out. Now with complete arms he pours another into his own mouth and poof, legs pop out and at this point his son stands up and starts running around the bar ecstatic for the fact that for the first time in his life he is a complete person and he runs out of the bar and into the street where he is immediately hit by a car and killed.
Now as the father sits heartbroken at the bar and the other patrons of the bar sit completely dumbfounded from what they had just witnessed the bartender, as bartenders will be (not missing a beat) Says, yep he should have quit while he was a head
How did they know it was a baby boy at birth?
Let's just say that when it learned to talk it let them know what gender it was and then the story was written after that point. That's one of the easier things to come up with an explanation for. Forget the fact that it has no way of breathing, pumping blood, eating, excreting, or surviving, period.
Just call me "geck" because "zilla" is like a last name.

User avatar
THX1138
Emailed Bob; Got a new title!
Posts: 268
Joined: Sat Nov 19, 2005 9:27 am
AKA: Wile-e-coyote super genius
Location: San Luis Obispo

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by THX1138 » Sat Sep 06, 2014 1:34 am

Agreed on the child's sex thing, when i heard the joke originally the child was referred to as IT but I didn't feel right with that
As for the remaining points which you have made..............I don't know how the child lived I just know that he made it to his 21st birthday

User avatar
geckzilla
Ocular Digitator
Posts: 9034
Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2007 12:42 pm
Location: Modesto, CA

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by geckzilla » Mon Nov 17, 2014 9:58 am

Astronomers Discover Planet Identical To Earth With Orbital Space Mirror
http://www.theonion.com/articles/astron ... wit,37437/

:lol:
Just call me "geck" because "zilla" is like a last name.

User avatar
Beyond
500 Gigaderps
Posts: 6889
Joined: Tue Aug 04, 2009 11:09 am
Location: BEYONDER LAND

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by Beyond » Mon Nov 17, 2014 6:26 pm

The Onion has gone bad. They missed April 1st by quite a bit!!
To find the Truth, you must go Beyond.

User avatar
bystander
Apathetic Retiree
Posts: 19372
Joined: Mon Aug 28, 2006 2:06 pm
Location: Oklahoma

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by bystander » Mon Nov 17, 2014 9:17 pm

Every day is April 1st at the Onion. It's what they do.
Know the quiet place within your heart and touch the rainbow of possibility; be
alive to the gentle breeze of communication, and please stop being such a jerk.
— Garrison Keillor

User avatar
Beyond
500 Gigaderps
Posts: 6889
Joined: Tue Aug 04, 2009 11:09 am
Location: BEYONDER LAND

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by Beyond » Mon Nov 17, 2014 10:24 pm

bystander wrote:Every day is April 1st at the Onion. It's what they do.
Oh, ok. I don't read Onions, so i didn't know that. In that case, they're right on! Go Onion!! You've found a thread that fits. :lol2:
To find the Truth, you must go Beyond.

User avatar
BMAONE23
Commentator Model 1.23
Posts: 4076
Joined: Wed Feb 23, 2005 6:55 pm
Location: California

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by BMAONE23 » Tue Nov 18, 2014 5:59 pm

Beyond wrote:
bystander wrote:Every day is April 1st at the Onion. It's what they do.
Oh, ok. I don't read Onions, so i didn't know that. In that case, they're right on! Go Onion!! You've found a thread that fits. :lol2:
If the thread fits...Keep em in stitches

User avatar
Ron-Astro Pharmacist
Resistored Fizzacist
Posts: 889
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2013 10:34 pm
AKA: Fred
Location: Idaho USA

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by Ron-Astro Pharmacist » Mon Dec 01, 2014 10:10 pm

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however,
the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it,
he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look
at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily... if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,
"Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."
Sadly the policeman called in a dick-tape-tive and uncovered the pubi-taper. The nurse plead "innocence" and the judge let her off for good behavior in the face of overwhelming opportunity.
Make Mars not Wars

User avatar
THX1138
Emailed Bob; Got a new title!
Posts: 268
Joined: Sat Nov 19, 2005 9:27 am
AKA: Wile-e-coyote super genius
Location: San Luis Obispo

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by THX1138 » Fri Dec 26, 2014 7:43 pm

I hope that when i die i go peacefully-in my sleep like my grandfather did
Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car

User avatar
Ron-Astro Pharmacist
Resistored Fizzacist
Posts: 889
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2013 10:34 pm
AKA: Fred
Location: Idaho USA

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by Ron-Astro Pharmacist » Tue Mar 17, 2015 5:48 pm

I can see this happening with my dad. He is an 87yo retired Navy Chief Petty Officer who was a gunners mate and is now very hard-of-hearing and crotchety.

A cop pulls him over for driving too slow. Dad gets out of the car and heads back to confront the officer. The officer says, "Cease and desist!" My dad would then say "What?" and ask," If I'm deceased how can I assist?"
Make Mars not Wars

User avatar
kellogg
Ensign
Posts: 25
Joined: Wed Feb 25, 2015 3:36 pm
Location: WV

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by kellogg » Wed Mar 25, 2015 4:50 pm

So I'm watching a documentary about the dangers of near earth asteroids crossing Earth's orbit.

They've got a program to prepare for any Earth-impactors asteroids by firing missiles armed with Hydrogen bombs to blow them apart before they can cause any damage.

They're calling the program Preparation H because that's what you use on asteroids....

Scott

User avatar
kellogg
Ensign
Posts: 25
Joined: Wed Feb 25, 2015 3:36 pm
Location: WV

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by kellogg » Wed Mar 25, 2015 5:06 pm

Then there was the arthropologist who named his daughter Anna Lida...

Scott

User avatar
kellogg
Ensign
Posts: 25
Joined: Wed Feb 25, 2015 3:36 pm
Location: WV

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by kellogg » Thu Mar 26, 2015 10:53 am

Did you hear about the Stage Magician who turned his car into a telephone pole...?

Scott

User avatar
BMAONE23
Commentator Model 1.23
Posts: 4076
Joined: Wed Feb 23, 2005 6:55 pm
Location: California

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by BMAONE23 » Thu Mar 26, 2015 9:49 pm

kellogg wrote:Did you hear about the Stage Magician who turned his car into a telephone pole...?

Scott
Did you hear the one about the 2 drunks who walked into a bar...OUCH...THUMP

User avatar
kellogg
Ensign
Posts: 25
Joined: Wed Feb 25, 2015 3:36 pm
Location: WV

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by kellogg » Fri Mar 27, 2015 12:09 pm

A Higgs Boson walks into a church.
The priest looks at it and tells it to leave immediately.
The Higgs Boson replies "But you need me.
Without me you can't have mass..."

User avatar
kellogg
Ensign
Posts: 25
Joined: Wed Feb 25, 2015 3:36 pm
Location: WV

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by kellogg » Mon Mar 30, 2015 12:37 pm

Heisenberg is driving his friend Schrodinger home from a conference. A cop pulls them over.

"DO you know how fast you were going?", asks the cop.

"No, but I knew exactly where I was!", said Heisenberg.

The cop, suspicious, decides to check the car out. He looks over the cabin, and tells Heisenberg to pop the trunk lid.
He pauses, then shouts, "Do you know there's a dead cat in your trunk?"

And Schrodinger shouts, "Well, I do NOW!"

Scott

User avatar
geckzilla
Ocular Digitator
Posts: 9034
Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2007 12:42 pm
Location: Modesto, CA

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by geckzilla » Thu Apr 02, 2015 5:10 am

Throw out your cosmology text and liberate yourself from rightness.
http://arxiv.org/abs/1504.00108
Just call me "geck" because "zilla" is like a last name.

FloridaMike
Science Officer
Posts: 413
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2011 2:21 pm
Location: Florida, USA

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by FloridaMike » Thu Apr 02, 2015 4:41 pm

geckzilla wrote:Throw out your cosmology text and liberate yourself from rightness.
http://arxiv.org/abs/1504.00108
These Authors have written a number of cheeky articles. I love this line from one ...
Cosmic Conspiracies wrote:Even string theorists would typically agree that there is empirical evidence for matter in the Universe.
Certainty is an emotion. So follow your spindle neurons.

User avatar
Moonlady
Selenian
Posts: 665
Joined: Fri Apr 13, 2012 9:06 pm

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by Moonlady » Wed Apr 15, 2015 9:38 pm

meanwhile in a parallel universe,
here is a happy little "Bob"
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.

User avatar
Ann
4725 Å
Posts: 10153
Joined: Sat May 29, 2010 5:33 am

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by Ann » Wed Apr 15, 2015 10:19 pm

What a strange alien he is painting, Moonlady! :D

Ann
Color Commentator

User avatar
Moonlady
Selenian
Posts: 665
Joined: Fri Apr 13, 2012 9:06 pm

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by Moonlady » Thu Apr 16, 2015 3:41 pm

...adding just characters to be able to upload the attachment....
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.

User avatar
Ann
4725 Å
Posts: 10153
Joined: Sat May 29, 2010 5:33 am

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by Ann » Thu Apr 16, 2015 4:20 pm

...and maybe Oxiemorons.

Well, there is a semi-detached southern part of Malmö called Oxie, and an American funny-man thought that the inhabitants there should perhaps be called Oxiemorons...
Oxie, with the water tower in the background, hiding the observatory on the hill. Maybe the group of pensioners in the foreground are the Oxiemorons?

Ann
Color Commentator

User avatar
Beyond
500 Gigaderps
Posts: 6889
Joined: Tue Aug 04, 2009 11:09 am
Location: BEYONDER LAND

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by Beyond » Fri Apr 17, 2015 1:45 am

The Smothers Brothers on morons and lessons.
Click to play embedded YouTube video.
To find the Truth, you must go Beyond.

FloridaMike
Science Officer
Posts: 413
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2011 2:21 pm
Location: Florida, USA

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by FloridaMike » Wed Apr 22, 2015 7:04 pm


.
.
Forbidden Knowledge
it's a Know-no

.
.
Certainty is an emotion. So follow your spindle neurons.

User avatar
BMAONE23
Commentator Model 1.23
Posts: 4076
Joined: Wed Feb 23, 2005 6:55 pm
Location: California

Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

Post by BMAONE23 » Thu Jun 04, 2015 4:13 am

What you get when you cross a Lexophile with a Numismatist



A newly coined phrase :lol2: